Part 1        Part 2        Part 3        Part 4        Part 5        Part 6 Conclusion

I had held him, a sweet beautiful baby boy in my arms.  He existed.  He had his own unique set of features as do each of us.  I have been taught that my body looks like my spirit.  That each of us were created in heaven before we were created on earth.  Would Joseph Courtney come back to this earth… to different parents… to me?  If he came back to me wouldn’t I recognize the baby I had held?  It didn’t make sense to me that he could come back looking any different if he was created in heaven.  It didn’t make sense that a baby somewhere in someone’s arms could ever look exactly like my Joseph Courtney.  He was mine.  That was my conclusion.

The thought of whether or not I would see Joseph Courtney haunted me at times.  I’m not saying that I obsessed over the issue.  But, I loved him.  He had grown inside me for seven and a half months.  I had felt him move each night.  I had felt his love and held his tiny body in my arms.  It’s may be difficult to understand unless you have experienced it.  I loved him.  Would I see him again?  Is it possible that we would someday be able to be sealed for eternity as a mother and a son?

Life continues, we all know as we get older looking back seems like a dream.  I remarried close to 23 years old.  Before I was suppose to get pregnant, I needed a chromosome test to make sure there was nothing wrong with my chromosomes and that I could have a healthy child.  The test was good.  I heard Jay’s was good as well.  I got pregnant with a little girl.  We spent months going over the baby name book and fell in love with the name Jessica!  She would have my middle name, the same middle name as my mother and my grandmother!

Side Story: We spent months talking to Jessica in my belly.  “Hello Jessica!”, “How are you Jessica?”, “I love you Jessica!”  I had waited to take the chromosome test until getting married and deciding to have a child.  It was about $500 a lot of money for me at the time.  So down deep somewhere was the nightmare that I may never be able to have a child.  I was soooo thankful the results were good and this daughter was a long awaited for gift!  In labor with Jessica, this suppressed fear presented itself.  Once in the birthing canal Jessica wouldn’t come out.  Deep down I was so fearful that once she came out she wouldn’t be alive that I believe my body was fighting to keep her in.  Once again, Doctor Hurst’s face becomes a memory etched within my brain.  His worried look, his glances at the clock, his glances towards my mother.  I knew she needed to come and just as time was running out, Jessica’s cries sounded.  The nurse held her to me to hold and I heard myself saying, “Hello Jessica” and she quieted as she heard my voice.

More time, more experiences and three more beautiful daughters!  Still the thought in my head, “Where is Joseph?”, “Will I see Joseph?”, “Is he mine?”  One night when Jessica was about eight years old.  I wonder if that has any significance for what I’m about to share.  I was dreaming a vivid dream.  I remember every detail.  In the dream I was lying on my bed as I was in reality lying on my bed sleeping.  Jessica appeared above my bed slowing coming into view  the ceiling wasn’t there it was more like clouds.  She was holding a baby.  Upon seeing the baby I knew at once it was Joseph Courtney.  She came close enough to reach me and handed me the child.  I held him to my face.  I felt him.  I knew him.  I LOVED him.  I wept with an outpouring of love and appreciation.  Soon enough Jessica appears again.  Once again she descended from above and this time she spoke to me.  She said, “It’s time.” I knew that she meant it was time for Joseph to return and my vision to end.  My tender mercy!  I awoke as the dream ended.  My pillow was wet were I had wept.